How Can you Help? - By being there and offering support
When you know, or suspect that a friend, family member, or colleague is living with family violence it can be hard to know what to do. It is important to know that what you do and say can make a difference.
What is family violence?
The national It's Not Ok campaign have developed a booklet to help people know what to do, information below is adapted from that booklet. Check out the www.areyouok.org.nz website for more information or to order copies of the booklet.
What are the signs?
People will often try and hide the violence as they may feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed. Violence thrives in secrecy, talking about it can help remove the stigma so that people get help.
People experiencing violence may be: fearful or nervous, may visit less often, or not want you coming around, worried about someone's reaction, sad or angry, walking on eggshells, keeping secrets
Children living in violent homes may be: fearful, silent & withdrawn, aggressive, unusually well-behaved, have a sudden change in behaviour
People being violent may be: using threatening looks and words, controlling their partner and children, checking up on their partner, yelling and swearing, put downs and criticism, making all the decisions, intimidation, controlling finances, jealousy and possessiveness.
Danger Signs: There are signs or indicators that serious harm or danger could be possible. Separation is the most dangerous time for victims of violence. If any of these are applicable please contact Police and get help and a safety plan put in place immediately:
Getting Involved: If someone is in immediate danger always call 111
Adults living with violence need support to make decisions in their own time when they are ready. It is important to go at their pace. Children need to be able to talk to an adult they trust about what's happening. If they are being hurt they need adults to step in and take charge of their safety.
Listen: let them talk Name the violence: let them know it's not ok Offer to Help
Get pamphlets or information on services Look after the children Be there
Not sure what to say? Here are some examples:
To the person who is being violent:
Do you need to talk? It's not ok your kids are scared of you I don't like the way you talk to your partner
There's got to be a better way Is there anything I can do?
Challenge the behaviour and not the person. Changing violent behaviour takes a long time, it;s not an instant decision. They will need people who support and accept them to help them make the changes.
To the person who is experiencing violence:
It's not your fault someone is hurting you. When you're ready I'm here
Is someone hurting you? Do you feel safe at home? It's not ok that you're being hurt
It is important to stay involved and keep being there, even if they turn you away. Keep the door open and offer a safe place to go. They have usually been in a situation where the violent person has been controlling them, and undermining their confidence. It will take time, and possibly many attempts to make changes and they need to be supported to take the steps themselves and make their own decisions.
If you need support or advice on how to help you can call HALT on 06 366 0540, or call the family violence helpline on 0800 456 450
Don't Give up!
What is family violence?
The national It's Not Ok campaign have developed a booklet to help people know what to do, information below is adapted from that booklet. Check out the www.areyouok.org.nz website for more information or to order copies of the booklet.
What are the signs?
People will often try and hide the violence as they may feel guilty, embarrassed or ashamed. Violence thrives in secrecy, talking about it can help remove the stigma so that people get help.
People experiencing violence may be: fearful or nervous, may visit less often, or not want you coming around, worried about someone's reaction, sad or angry, walking on eggshells, keeping secrets
Children living in violent homes may be: fearful, silent & withdrawn, aggressive, unusually well-behaved, have a sudden change in behaviour
People being violent may be: using threatening looks and words, controlling their partner and children, checking up on their partner, yelling and swearing, put downs and criticism, making all the decisions, intimidation, controlling finances, jealousy and possessiveness.
Danger Signs: There are signs or indicators that serious harm or danger could be possible. Separation is the most dangerous time for victims of violence. If any of these are applicable please contact Police and get help and a safety plan put in place immediately:
- The victim is very afraid
- A relationship has ended
- A court order has been issued
- Threats to kill or commit suicide have been made
- Excessive jealousy or controlling behaviour is occurring.
- Victim is being stalked
- Incidents of violence are getting more severe and frequent
- Victim is isolated
- Violence to others
- Cruelty to animals
- Misuse of drugs or alcohol, mental health problems
Getting Involved: If someone is in immediate danger always call 111
Adults living with violence need support to make decisions in their own time when they are ready. It is important to go at their pace. Children need to be able to talk to an adult they trust about what's happening. If they are being hurt they need adults to step in and take charge of their safety.
Listen: let them talk Name the violence: let them know it's not ok Offer to Help
Get pamphlets or information on services Look after the children Be there
Not sure what to say? Here are some examples:
To the person who is being violent:
Do you need to talk? It's not ok your kids are scared of you I don't like the way you talk to your partner
There's got to be a better way Is there anything I can do?
Challenge the behaviour and not the person. Changing violent behaviour takes a long time, it;s not an instant decision. They will need people who support and accept them to help them make the changes.
To the person who is experiencing violence:
It's not your fault someone is hurting you. When you're ready I'm here
Is someone hurting you? Do you feel safe at home? It's not ok that you're being hurt
It is important to stay involved and keep being there, even if they turn you away. Keep the door open and offer a safe place to go. They have usually been in a situation where the violent person has been controlling them, and undermining their confidence. It will take time, and possibly many attempts to make changes and they need to be supported to take the steps themselves and make their own decisions.
If you need support or advice on how to help you can call HALT on 06 366 0540, or call the family violence helpline on 0800 456 450
Don't Give up!
